


The Hobbit: An Unexpected Gilbert & Sullivan Parody

by Saraleee



Category: Gilbert & Sullivan & Related Fandoms, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, Tolkien - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-03-13
Packaged: 2017-12-05 03:50:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saraleee/pseuds/Saraleee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If it had been available during their lifetimes, W.S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan might have made a great comic opera out of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.  To show you how it could have happened, I’ve tried to fit the movie’s storyline to G&S songs. </p><p>Anyone unfamiliar with Gilbert & Sullivan can find their works online at the brilliant and comprehensive Gilbert & Sullivan Archive, http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/index.html. The site also has MIDI files that play computerized versions of the melodies, if you’d like to sing along.<br/>I've also added YouTube links to performances of the individual songs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hobbit: An Unexpected Gilbert & Sullivan Parody

**Scene 1. The Prologue – In Erebor**

To the tune of “Oh, I have wrought…” from The Sorcerer  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDatZQOP-jA>

 **Thorin** _(to King Thror)_  
Grandfather, you will attract great evil with this gold!  
An ill we can't undo!  
This is too bad of you, King under the Mountain –  
What wrong have our people done you?  
And see – the gold-lusting dragon comes –  
Alas, for our poor stricken home!  
A horrible calamity our lives benumbs –  
Our fate from now on, to roam!

 **Smaug** _(flying overhead)_  
Alas, alack, and well-a-day!  
I sigh for gold, and well I may,  
For it I would destroy and slay.  
But stay!  
What is this glittering pile I see down under?

 **Thror** _(hurrying to his vault)_  
Oh horrible! – Smaug's going to plunder!  
This last catastrophe is beyond measure!

 **Smaug** _(blasting open the Gate of Erebor)_  
Why do you stand between me and the treasure?  
For pity's sake, just get away from me.

_Thror drops the Arkenstone, then dives after it only to be stopped by Thorin._

**Thorin** _(confronting the dragon to save his grandfather)_  
Evil worm, leave us – this may never be!  
Leave us! We dwarves are smelly – it’s our way of life!

 **Smaug** _(in the vault)_  
I’m staying! But you can go!  
  
 **Thorin** _(waving sword)_  
Leave us! We dwarves eat peas with a knife!

 **Smaug** _(doing the Scrooge McDuck Swim)_  
I’m staying! You’re not welcome, though!  
At what I am going to say be not enraged –  
You won’t get rid of me – this gold’s engaged!

 **Thorin** _(retreating with the other dwarves)_  
Oh, agony, rage, despair!  
Oh, where will this end – oh, where?  
I should very much like to know!  
It will certainly be my fault,  
If Smaug takes over our family vault,  
And leaves us to life-long woe!

_Dwarves run screaming from the mountain. On the hilltop overlooking the Gate of Erebor, Thranduil stops his great moose to survey the scene below._

To the tune of “In enterprise of martial kind…” from The Gondoliers  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHnmWgv55ZU>

 **Thranduil**  
In enterprise of martial kind,  
If there is any fighting,  
I lead my regiment from behind —  
I find it less exciting.  
But we won’t risk death by dragon fire,  
Even though we’ll end up on Thror’s list!  
I’m the celebrated,  
Cultivated,  
Underrated  
Elvenking,  
Thranduil of Mirkwood Forest!

 

**Scene 2. At Bag End: The Dwarves Arrive**   
  
_(Bilbo opens the door to find Dwalin standing there. Dwalin introduces himself.)_

To the tune of “If you want a receipt…” from Patience  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4Bn5TDcN_I>  
  
 **Dwalin**  
Oh! If you want to cook up this masterful warrior:  
Just start with the gold of the earth (if you can) -  
The family pride of a Longbeard of Erebor -  
Force of a Rambo who’s wasting a man -  
A smack of Chuck Norris, who never to foe would yield -  
Swagger of Errol Flynn, heading his clan -  
Majestic demeanor of a Thorin Oakenshield -  
Grace of an Odalisque on a divan -  
The silence so deadly of a Terminator -  
Skill of Machete shooting a Senator -  
Flavour of Eastwood – Bronson, a touch of him -  
Little of James Bond (but not very much of him) -  
Wolverine, Captain Mal – John Wayne, Bruce Lee -  
Grown-up Neville Longbottom and Mr. T!

Take of these elements all that is fusible,  
Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible -  
Set them to simmer, and take off the scum,  
And a true bad-ass dwarf is the residuum!  
  
 **Bilbo**  
Do we know each other?  
  
 **Dwalin**  
No.  
  
 _The other dwarves enter, all with their own songs. You can look the original songs up on the[G&S Archive.](http://diamond.boisestate.edu/gas/index.html) For reasons of length, the dwarf versions have been omitted here—you’ll have to dwarf-ify the lyrics yourself or wait (don’t hold your breath) for the Extended Edition:_

 **Balin** as Pish-Tush (The Mikado) Our great Mikado, virtuous man….  
 **Oin** as J Wellington Wells (The Sorcerer) My name is John Wellington Wells…  
 **Gloin** as The Lord Chancellor (Iolanthe) The law is the true embodiment…  
 **Bifur** as Private Willis (Iolanthe) When all night long, a chap remains…  
 **Bofur** as Giuseppe (The Gondoliers) Rising early in the morning…  
 **Bombur** as Ludwig (The Grand Duke) By the mystic regulation…  
 **Nori** as Robin Oakapple (Ruddigore) Away, remorse…  
 **Dori** as Captain Corcoran (HMS Pinafore) Fair moon, to thee I sing…  
 **Ori** as Ralph Rackstraw (HMS Pinafore) The nightingale sighed…  
 **Kili** as Reginald Bunthorne (Patience) Am I alone and unobserved…  
 **Fili** as Archibald Grosvenor (Patience) When I go out of door…

 

_One Unexpected Party later…_

To the tune of “I’m called Little Buttercup” from HMS Pinafore  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a76ar-zIjq8>

 **Bilbo** _(surveying his devastated pantry)_  
I'm called Bilbo Baggins — just plain Bilbo Baggins,  
Though I could never tell why,  
But still I'm called Bilbo — yes, just plain old Bilbo,  
plain Bilbo Baggins am I !  
I've lots of tobaccy, and excellent jacky,  
I've plenty of foodstuffs and cheese;  
I've ham and tomatoes and roasted potatoes  
And cookies and jam, if you please.  
I've treacle and toffee, I've tea and I've coffee,  
Bread pudding and succulent chops;  
I've omelets and French Toast, and leftover pot-roast,  
And excellent peppermint drops.  
A Hobbit likes visitors – some kinds of visitors;  
But now these dwarves ate all my food;  
So, leave me something to eat, any old bit of meat;  
Gandalf, you’ve done me no good!

 

_(Gandalf the Wizard explains—but only a little bit)_

To the tune of “When I, good friends, was call’d to the bar” from Trial by Jury  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FiOmiiX48I>

 **Gandalf**  
When these good dwarves to Bag End they came  
With their appetites fresh and hearty,  
I planned to make Bilbo part of the game,  
At this unexpected party.  
I've a pointy old hat of a beautiful blue -  
A staff which was carved by a booby -  
A bright silver scarf and an old gray robe,  
And a ring that looks like a ruby!

For I am a Wizard!

 **Dwarves** _(swinging their ale mugs)_  
And a good Wizard, too!

 **Gandalf**  
Yes, I am a wizard!

 **Dwarves**  
And a good wizard, too!

 **Gandalf**  
I can’t make a man a lizard,  
Or conjure fire in a blizzard,  
But I'll live and die a wizard!

 **Dwarves**  
And a good wizard, too!

 

**3\. Thorin Oakenshield arrives at Bag End**

_(Three knocks sound at Bilbo’s door. Thorin enters and rallies the dwarves to follow him on the quest.)_

To the tune of “A wand’ring minstrel I” from The Mikado  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTZHC1nF6SA>

 **Thorin**  
A wandering dwarf-prince I —  
A thing of shreds and patches,  
Of ballads, songs and snatches,  
And dreams of days gone by!  
My goal, you see, is clear,  
Though every danger trails us,  
Before our courage fails us  
I call you to my quest!  
I call you to my quest!

Are you in gold-reclaiming mood?  
I'll rage with you,  
 _Baruk khazad ai-menu!_

On dragon fire do you brood?  
I'll do so, too —  
 _Baruk khazad ai-menu!_

I'll tell of days of old,  
With songs of ancient gold,  
While glittering tales are told  
Of treasure lost —  
 _Baruk khazad ai-menu!_

 

**4\. Bilbo joins the company**

_(Bilbo changes his mind and chases after the departing Dwarves. He shows Balin the contract he has signed.)_

To the tune of “Hereupon we’re both agreed” from Yeomen of the Guard  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pYoeOTRrzo>

 **  
Bilbo and Balin** (Duet)  
Hereupon we're both agreed,  
All that we two  
Do agree to  
We'll secure by solemn deed,  
To prevent all  
Error mental.  
…  
Tell a tale of Erebor,  
What we need a burglar for  
Dragon tremendous,  
Mahal defend us!  
All is fair in gold and war!

 

**5\. The Company camps in the Lone-Lands**

_(Balin explains Thorin’s hatred of orcs by recounting the tale of the Battle of Azanulbizar.)_

To the tune of “Strange adventure” from Yeomen of the Guard  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsOBcnelPVU>

 **Balin**  
Strange adventure!  
Dwarves were fighting  
For a home in Moria’s deeps —  
Vicious orcs our troops were smiting;  
Azog killed with mighty sweeps.  
Thror’s head on the ground is lying,  
Thorin’s good as dead, or dying,  
While to kill him Azog’s trying —  
Thorin grabs the Oakenshield!  
Oaken — oaken — oakenshield!

Azanulbizar I’m limning:  
Noble dwarf and evil orc —  
Even with the battle winning,  
Burning dwarves was such sad work.

 

**6\. The Troll-shaws**

_(Bilbo tries to rescue the horses from being eaten by the trolls William, Bert, and Tom, and is captured by them instead. The dwarves try to rescue him, but they are caught too. In the end Gandalf saves them all.)_

To the tune of “Oi, where be I, and what be I a-doing?” from The Sorcerer  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ_51O7nElQ>  
  
 **William**  
Oi, them’s horses! And what be you a doin',  
A-sneezin' in the stew, so floaters rise?

 **Bert**  
Why, that's the very way the taste to ruin,  
And don't seem quite respectable likewise!

 **Tom** _(seeing Bilbo)_  
Eh, that's you! Only think o' that now!  
What may you be at, now? Tell me, du!

 **Bilbo**  
Ugh, what a stench! Oh no, they caught me!  
The smell makes me blench, and now they’ll pot me.

 **Bert** _(to the trussed-up dwarves)_  
Oi tell you true, and I’m not boastin’,  
Oi loike you, especially when roastin’.

 **Gandalf** _(breaking the stone and letting in the light)_  
Eh, but the dawn take you!

 

**7\. A New Threat Emerges**   
  
_(Wizard Radagast the Brown introduces himself, and explains about the evil which he’s discovered that is growing in Dol Guldur.)_

To the tune of “A private buffoon is a light-hearted loon” from Yeomen of the Guard  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFQyXCVzx9Y>

 **Radagast**  
Oh! A wizard buffoon is a light-hearted loon,  
If you listen to Saruman’s rumour;  
From the morn to the night he's so joyous and bright,  
And he bubbles with wit and good humour!  
But Sebastian’s so sick,  
And I must cure him quick;  
Necromancer’s polluting the Greenwood,  
I’ve tracked the spoor leading to Dol Guldur  
To find out why Green’s become Mirkwood.  
There I battled a wight,  
A dead, evil lord,  
And though I won the fight,  
All I got was this sword,  
And the spiders are still haunting Mirkwood.

 

_(On Weathertop, the orcs and Wargs have gathered. We learn that Azog, the Pale Orc, is not dead and is actively hunting Thorin and his company.)_

To the tune of “Oh, why am I moody and sad?” from Ruddigore  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vS4tC8ImdUc>

 **Azog**  
Oh, why am I moody and sad?

 **Orcs**  
Can't guess!  
  
 **Azog**  
And why am I guiltily mad?  
  
 **Orcs**  
Confess!

 **Azog**  
Because I am thoroughly bad!

 **Orcs**  
Oh yes –

 **Azog**  
You'll see it carved into my face.

 

**8\. Visiting the elves at Rivendell**

_(After being chased by orcs on Wargs, the company rests at Rivendell among the elves)_

To the tune of “Tripping hither, Tripping thither,” from Iolanthe  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_-lmvXO2dE>

 **Elves**  
Riding hither, riding thither,  
Nobody knows why or whither;  
On our horses we will swing  
Round about dwarves in a ring!  
  
We are tall and slender elf-kind,  
We like singing, we like dancing;  
Our dwarf guests appear disinclined  
To eat food that’s health-enhancing.  
  
If you ask us how to translate  
Your map’s special hidden moon-runes,  
Our Lord Elrond is no lightweight,  
He can do it while he croons tunes!

 

**9\. The White Council**

_(The most powerful beings in Middle-earth—Galadriel, Saruman, Gandalf and Elrond—gather to discuss matters of high policy)_

To the tune of “If you give me your attention…” from Princess Ida  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fwIW5CFuZ8>

 **Saruman**  
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:  
I'm a genuine philanthropist — all other kinds are sham.  
A morbid taste for mushrooms and each social defect  
In that silly old fool Radagast, I will try to correct.  
To Gandalf’s little weaknesses I open Elrond's eyes;  
And little plans to scorn the Morgul blade I will devise;  
I love my fellow Councillors — I do all the good I can —  
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!  
And I can't think why!

_(Members of the White Council argue until the cows come home—I mean, until the dwarves sneak away before sunrise)_

To the tune of “A nice dilemma we have here” from Trial by Jury  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSeBXaaO3qg>

 **Lady Galadriel**  
A nice dilemma we have here,  
That calls for all our wit, for all our wit:

 **Elrond**  
And at this stage, it don't appear  
That we can settle it.

 **Gandalf**  
If we the warning signs ignore,  
The threat shall surely grow –

 **Saruman**  
But trolls and mystic swords aren’t war,  
Gandalf exaggerates things so!

 **The White Council**  
A nice dilemma we have here  
That calls for all our wit.

 

**10\. Stone Giants**

_(High in the Misty Mountains, a terrible thunderstorm has roused the Stone Giants, whose battle causes avalanches and rockfalls that threaten the company.)_

To the tune of “When the night-wind howls…” from (Ruddigore)  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjyD0ORkzCk>  
  
  
 **Stone Giants**  
When the night wind shrieks in the mountain peaks, and a boulder in the moonlight flies,  
And inky clouds, like funeral shrouds, sail across the midnight skies –  
When the travelers hide from the fierce rock-slide, and thunder-battle blots out the moon,  
Then are the Stone Giants dangerous – hide in a cave real soon!

 

**11\. In Goblin-Town, meeting the Great Goblin**

_(The dwarves don’t realize that the cave they’ve found is a trap. They are dumped down into Goblin-Town, where they face the grotesque and vile Great Goblin.)_

To the tune of “A more humane Mikado…” from The Mikado  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuvERdcEX6Q>

 **  
The Great Goblin**  
A more urbane Great Goblin never  
Has reigned in Goblin-Town,  
To nobody second,  
I'm certainly reckoned  
The skankiest one around.  
It is my completely vile endeavour  
To ensure, to great extent,  
Each dwarf we’ve captured  
Has their bones fractured  
For goblin merriment.

My object all sublime  
I shall achieve in time —  
To let the punishment fit the crime —  
The punishment fit the crime;

Don’t let those dwarves get free!  
Yikes! Goblin-Cleaver! Flee—  
And there goes all our merriment!  
Oops, now my life is spent!

 

**12\. Bilbo meets Gollum**

_(Bilbo gets separated from the others, and falls into a cave inhabited by the twisted and homicidal Gollum, a strange creature with a magical ring.)_

To the tune of “As someday it may happen…” from The Mikado  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NLV24qTnlg>

 **  
Gollum**  
As someday it may happen that a sequel must be writ,  
I’ve got a little ring – I’ve got a little ring  
That nobody has realized was hiding in my pit,  
It’s such a precious thing — such a precious thing!  
I’ve been eating batses, fishes, yes, and Goblins when I can —  
Now a Hobbit comes to riddle me and beat me if he can —  
I’ll tell him that I’ll show him out, and hit him with a rock —  
He’ll make a juicy mouthful, once we’ve had our chance to talk —  
But oh, what’s this! My ring is gone, my precious, precious ring —  
That Baggins stole my ring — he stole my precious ring!

 

**13\. Fighting Azog and the Wargs**

_(With Gandalf’s help, the dwarves escape the Goblins. Bilbo has escaped Gollum and rejoined the company. The dwarves climb trees, but now they have retreated as far as they can go from Azog and the Wargs. Although Azog will surely kill him, Thorin has no choice but to attack his ancient enemy.)_

To the tune of “My eyes are fully open to my awful situation…” from Ruddigore  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmBri9kvptE>

  
 **Thorin**  
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation –  
Somehow Azog has survived, now I must end his desecration.  
I shall stand up in this leaning tree, and charge at his defenses  
And I don't care twopence-halfpenny for any consequences.  
Though it’s likely that I’ll perish when that ugly white Warg shakes me,  
I would rather go defiantly and fight until he breaks me,  
And a word or two of common sense just seems like empty chatter,  
‘Cause I'm gonna kill him now, so it really doesn't matter!

 **Bilbo**  
If I were not a little mad and generally silly  
I would stay up in this tree and let you fight him, willy-nilly;  
But I can’t ignore the fact that you have often been my savior,  
So I bet you'd be amazed at my adventurous behavior.  
Though Balin said my sword is good for opening a letter,  
If it can stab an orc I think that would be even better,  
And at present I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter,  
But I’ll probably die anyway, so logic doesn't matter!

 **Azog**  
If I had been originally added to this story  
Say, if Tolkien ever thought he’d need an orc to make things gory,  
I might have had a chance to be a truly 3-D villain –  
Who had history and depth and whom the chicks thought rather thrillin’  
My existence would have made a rather interesting subplot,  
And I might have had a few fans who think that a pale orc’s real hot.  
My particularly nasty, unintelligible patter  
Isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter!

 

**14\. Rescue by Eagles**

_(Just as Azog and his orcs are moving in for the kill, the Eagles, summoned by Gandalf, swoop in and rescue the dwarves and Bilbo, carrying them off to a safe landing-place –the Carrock.)_

Finale: “Soon as we may” from Iolanthe  
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4vzyEwBoAw>

  
 **Dwarves**  
Soon as we may,  
Off and away!  
We’ll commence our journey regal –  
Happy are we –  
As you can see,  
Every one’s aboard an Eagle!

Every, every, every,  
Every one’s aboard an Eagle!  
Though as a general rule we know  
We’ve got two movies left to go,  
Seeing the mountain makes us think  
That of success we’re on the brink.

Up in the sky,  
Ever so high,  
Now we’re repaid for our persistence;  
We see it rise  
‘Gainst morning skies –  
Erebor, our home, in the distance!

 

**THE END**


End file.
